One for the Older people
One
night, after the
older couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His
hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the
same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his sid! ! e of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
________________________________________________________________
Family Picture
___________________________________________________________________________
Redneck
Hot Tub
Redneck Cop
Redneck Skiing
Redneck Special Forces
Redneck Cup Holder
Redneck Ginger Bread House
Redneck Car Lock
Redneck Space Shuttle
Redneck Bass Boat
Redneck Birthday Cake
Redneck Horse Shoes
Redneck Palm Pilot
Redneck Hunter
__________________________________________________________
BEST T-SHIRT DESIGN
________________________________________________________
DESPERATE
FOR A TICKET TO THE WORLD CUP
A fortune to remember.
___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Not my job
And
the SURGEON GENERAL says . .
_____________________________________________________________________
Diversionary
tactic.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Stay
off the course . . . or else!
_________________________________________________________________
FRIDGE MAGNET
_____________________________________________
Words of Wisdom.
__________________________________________________________
QUEEN OF THE BLONDES
_______________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor,
"don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another
one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems
there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . ..
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
_________________________________________________________________
Big
People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to
become accustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that
the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always
reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
I went to visit my Nana."
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People'
words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride
on a choo
choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must
remember to use "Big
People' words."
She then asked little Zach what he had done.
I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?"
Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his
chest with great pride,and said,
Winnie the SHIT
_________________________________________________________________
HARLEY
GOES TO HEAVEN
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven." Arthur
thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to
God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
_________________________________________________________
Seniors Giving Birth
With
all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was
able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit
for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the
new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we sre the
baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until
he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
__________________________________________________________
A
real tough one.
One (1) Question Test .
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs
to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying
not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks
familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under
forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you
can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Priz e winning photo, documenting the death of
one of the world's most powerful women (in her mind, at least).
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
________________________________________________________
:
Church Phone]
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a
sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered
that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if
he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones
with the same sign and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a
church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign
read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with
the
pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church
I
have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches,
the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. ....Why is
that?
The pastor, smiling kindly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now and it's
a
local call."
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
Jack
wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to
them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping,
--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the
morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened
last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran
into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
_______________________________________________________
When you go hunting, be careful who you go with
More fun with Duct Tape
Government Employees
A
redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two
ice chests full of fish. He was Leavin'
a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't
got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my
pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish
down to the lake and let' em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I
whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em
home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't
do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment
and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show yaw.
It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see
this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and
stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call
them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
Moral:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain' t as dumb
as some government employees!
____________________________________________________________________
This is hilarious. The more times you watch it the funnier it becomes.
From a Dallas news broadcast. Watch the little critter, a small
desert lizard, on the left side of the table. Remember the man on
the left is concentrating on the snake the other guy is holding.
This news guy will never live this down, that's for sure!!!! Then
watch it a second time and listen closely to the sounds the news
caster makes!!
*Listen to the studio crew in the background - they are all
cracking up.
____________________________________________________________________
This is news video that has subtitles, and watch the guy in the red head dress.
You're in Georgia now!
Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a
State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his
nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop
smacked him
In the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered. "! When we pull you
over
in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get
to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the
guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and
"WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road
you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've
tried that shit with me.
________________________________________________________________________________
John
the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (called pullets) and eight or ten roosters
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run
for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his
beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and
walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch he entered him in the county fair, and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece
Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
__________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
THE
PERFECT WAL-MART GREETER
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the
oldest one, he's 9
and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........
Do you really
think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone
would have slept with you twice."
__________________________________________________________________________
The
Honeymoon*
A guy out on the golf course gets* hit *in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched
these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at
this,....*still in the CRATE!"
______________________________________________________________
Texas
- You Gotta Love It
NEWS FLASH! -Bryan/College Station's worst disaster occurred when a small two-seater
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery
earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot
and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
****************************************************************
The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of
Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything except my earrings."
You gotta love those East Texas women.
******************************************************
A group of Tyler friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful
hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"
A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
**********************************************************************
The young man from Texas A&M came running into the store and said
to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
*************************************************************
A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The
driver replied, "Bout whut?"
****************************************************************
A man in Tyler had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded
to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got
back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around
and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front
and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."